RIP

So long, old man. I will miss you - on some level;
of that, have no doubt.
The void within me is palpable,
and grows with each moment....when I think about it...creeps up on me.
Funny how the overwhelming feeling I get when I lose a loved one
is guilt.
What is that?
Guilt that I am still alive while you're dead?
Guilt that I didn't love you enough?
Or that I disappointed you?

Speaking of which, my biggest regret is all the questions you never answered,
all of which will go with you to the grave, I guess.
Of course, all I really wanted to know was where I stood with you.
Was I a total disappointment? Did I ever please you?
Were you listening all those times I poured my heart out to you?
Did I make the right choices...ever?
Did you love me?

I used to wonder what life would have been like without you.
Whether you knew it or not, you were a guiding force for me -
certainly not the only one, and I may not have shown it in my behaviour,
but your presence in my life did impact my choices and actions.
I once asked myself "if he weren't around, would I be a different person?"
Would I be a good person? Would that even matter..to me or to anyone else?
I guess I'm about to find out.

Well...no worries about your memory, your legacy.
There will be books and monuments and music.
You will never be forgotten. Does seem like a bit of a waste though.
Things could have been so different.
Don't get me wrong - you lived a long life and did a lot of good.
But so much of it was misunderstood or manipulated.
In the end, I don't think most people really ever got you at all.
I thought I did - many times - but I could never be sure.
Why couldn't you just have made me sure...in light of all that you did?
Big bangs and spider's webs.
Eventually, other things lured my thoughts away.
Oh well, time to move on.
So long, God...
rest in peace.