Holly

God bless Holly Gushue. Holly was a friend of Ryan's back in Halifax. I got to know her on visits to Ryan's apartment. I believe she was a Micmac but I'm not sure. She had AIDS and many addictions...and barely a tooth in her head. Still her smile was warm and intelligent. Her mind was sharp and her wit was quick. She shocked me frequently with the things she would say. We sat and listened to her one night chatting with a guy on a date line. I almost fell off my chair when he asked her what her best qualities were and she responded, "I'd have to say my t*ts and my c**t." Holly was a piece of work. But she sold herself short. Her best quality was her heart. She said she had a bunch of kids and that she did time in prison for killing a guy...stories we found out to be untrue. Holly was warm and kind.

Before I met Holly, I always believed in aspirational living...and part of that philosophy is making a point to spend time with people who can teach you and help you. Strictly applied, this means people you aspire to be like....mentors. My initial reaction to Holly was that people like her didn't belong in my life. They were a distraction, a stain. And yet, I found myself fascinated by her and, despite an obvious instability brought on by years of self-abuse, and no doubt abuse by others, she taught me that everyone deserves love, respect and dignity. She also taught me that aspirational living was not always about emulating others whom I admired, but rather seeing the good in all kinds of people. Ultimately, I learned that it was about who I wanted to be as a person. Holly taught me to aspire to be a person who could accept and love anyone, regardless of their station in life, what they looked like, how they talked, what their job was, or how many degrees or teeth they had. I did love Holly but I didn't express that love, and my love didn't mean anything because it didn't manifest itself in compassionate action. We left her behind.

When we moved to Toronto, we fell out of touch with Holly, or as Ryan called her, The Gush. She was more or less a transient and difficult to track down. We tried but maybe we could have tried harder. But she moved around amongst the homeless...living in squats and shelters. When she and some neighbours were booted out of a squat, she became a bit of a media darling in Halifax. She spent time volunteering with anti-poverty groups and the AIDS Coalition. She connected with people and made an impression. She had friends who loved her.

In 2006, Holly died of pneumonia at the age of 37. We just found out.

I'm still processing what Holly meant to me and what her death means to me. I wonder if we could have helped Holly. She was a little on the crazy and unpredictable side. And there were the addictions. My natural orientation is to think that people need to just avoid addictions and get a job. I'm still not sure that isn't the best way to approach life. But it feels arrogant maybe. A bit of empathy causes me to ask "what if Holly had been born with the advantages I had?" And "if I were in Holly's shoes, how would I want people to treat me"? If I had been born Holly, could I have done better with my life?" I think not. And besides, notwithstanding many barriers to what we traditionally view as "success", Holly had friends, purpose, love, and goodness. You could do worse.

At the end, Holly was not alone. She had lots of friends and people who loved her. I wish I had somehow managed to do something to show her that I loved her too. And I wish I could become that person I aspire to be...the one who doesn't have to spend so much time writing about people who meant something to him after they have died...the one who has the courage and class to show love, even to the people who don't "fit".

Finally, I have come to believe that dignity and love are inalienable human rights. Everyone is entitled to them regardless of anything they may do or omit to do with their lives. Implicit in this is a roof over their heads, food on their table, and a kindly word...at a minimum.

I will work to perfect this blog entry as my thoughts and emotions become clearer. But in the meantime, please click the links below and read about Holly. She deserves your attention.

Rest in peace and love, Gush.

http://www.streetfeat.ns.ca/Issues/sf060305.pdf

http://www.streetfeat.ns.ca/Issues/sf060302.pdf

On Giving (Kahlil Gibran):

You give but little when you give of your possessions.

It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow?

And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the overprudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city?

And what is fear of need but need itself?
Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, thirst that is unquenchable?

There are those who give little of the much which they have - and they give it for recognition and their hidden desire makes their gifts unwholesome.

And there are those who have little and give it all.
These are the believers in life and the bounty of life, and their coffer is never empty.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
And there are those who give with pain, and that pain is their baptism.

And there are those who give and know not pain in giving, nor do they seek joy, nor give with mindfulness of virtue;
They give as in yonder valley the myrtle breathes its fragrance into space.

Though the hands of such as these God speaks, and from behind their eyes He smiles upon the earth.

It is well to give when asked, but it is better to give unasked, through understanding;
And to the open-handed the search for one who shall receive is joy greater than giving
And is there aught you would withhold?

All you have shall some day be given;
Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors'.

You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."
The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.
They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.
Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.
And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream.

And what desert greater shall there be than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving?

And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed?

See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.

For in truth it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness.
And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, lest you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives.

Rather rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings;
For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for mother, and God for father.